Why are we so worried about what people think? In the long run does it really matter? I would hope that if i really wanted to say something that was on my heart that they would not reject me if it was wrong or misguided. Unfortunately, for whatever reason we all have a hard time putting ourselves out there... I have a horrible problem with this. Most of you know me pretty well (if you don't, thanks for reading!). If i have met you, you probably thought I was either a mute, or that i didn't like you in the beginning. I can attribute this to my inability to be myself towards new people. I tend to test out the waters with new people, something i see as a character problem on my part, i will be very quiet and reserved often not involved. I am afraid of saying something wrong or offensive. I am afraid of "being that guy" or of small talk, and most importantly i am afraid of showing too much interest. Why? I have no clue why I do this to my acquaintances. If i have the chance to get to know someone in private i wont have a problem with it at all.
Now, to understand the reasoning behind all of this and to get to the "Dalton, why are you writing this right now" portion. Today in my small group we talked about silence, and how sometimes we say something to break the silence but we don't say the thing that needs to be said. This brought me to the point where i was like "hey sometimes i don't say anything when something needs to be said, and i am OK with that" (but shouldn't be). This must be rooted in my dis-trust in both people and God.
In my distrust of people because i fear how they will look at me for saying something or making a decision. I have no clue where that distrust comes from or why i haven't learned to trust my good friends enough to really open up. I lately have felt alot of things going on in my life, but i really haven't opened up my heart to my buddies or been willing to share. Even with people i have shared with and who have shared with me in the past. Just today this started bothering me (which brings me to write this, and "live on the edge" a little). I haven't really shared this blog with many people because i have been afraid of what people would think about my thoughts on God or what they would say about my writing skills (not quite college level most of the time). Today I say, bring it. I hope my blog helps you think and helps us have an open dialogue to talk about life with one another. It's time i put more trust in my friends and family, and know that they'll (you'll) be there for me in thick and thin, good writing and bad.
It seems that I can trace a great deal of my issues back to not putting my full faith in the work God did/is doing/will do, in my life. How can this be? Is this tied in with my distrust in humans? Is it tied in with my high opinion of myself and my ability to "do things on my own"? To me: its gotta be all of the above. I have a tattoo that is pretty much a giant (formally painful) reminder to rely on Him and why (because he gave His offspring for us and hasn't stopped raining down mercy and grace). Yet still sometimes i can stare at the suitcase and footprints (representing laying down my burdens) on my arm to help myself get out of the Yuck feeling i have in my stomach and my thick skull still has a hard time wrapping up my burden (anxiety, stress, fear... what have you). All i need to do is go to God and ask him to help my fear of rejection and know that He'll care for me, even if i get rejected to know that his comfort is so great.
Food for thought, if our eyes are on the cross how can we feel silly lookin' when we don't even know that we look silly because we are so focused on Him? I think the answer is that we will be different and perhaps bizarre but much more relaxed and loving.
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